a poem about a wait

The nobility of my desires
is not conducive
to their being realised

That, at least
that is how
this transpires.

Berlin, 29.6.2013, 23:15.

hypochondriac ii

It used to be a thing of mine
to try to
return
to a state
of perfect
health
as much as possible


I know
circumstances
have changed
since then


I just want to never have to worry

Berlin, 30.9.2012

remembering

I remember you telling me how you would stand at crossroads and count cars driving by.


I remember walking all the way to Treptower Park
and sitting
in the park
across from
houses.


I remember talking there; talking was something you always enjoyed and which I was more than willing to give - though hoping for compensation that would never be received.


I remember;
I remember a lot of things.
[...]

Berlin, 3.2012

bicolor city, bicolor self
putting my enemies back on the shelf
taking the sun in and breathing anew
and thanking my God for the things that I do
from digging the earth I have switched to new life
I forget all my pain and ignore all my strife
and find all the paths that I'd walked down before
and remember there's me with a future in store.

Berlin, 3.2012

neurotic

I am a writer with no fingers,
I am an artist with no hands,
I am a reader with no eyes,
A wanderer who cannot stand,
I am a thinker with no brain waves
And a seeker with no drive,
I am a lover with no companion,
And I live, but have no life.

Berlin, 2.2012

Rules of attraction

you
are distracting
you
are weakness in a box
you
are the shape i try to hide
you
make my worthlessness
come true.

Berlin, 11.2011.

(vide)

à l'aise au fil des blagues mesquines
gonflée par les histamines
que je fasse le deuil de toi
de tout ce qu'il me reste

à la rescousse, des faux-semblants
le coeur avide de prétendant
que je fasse le deuil de mon toi
de tout ce qu'il me reste

    quand il le faut, c'est tout ç'que j'ai
    des mots de viande périmée
    des sons de cloche en double croche
    et retentissements du passé

    quand il te faut, c'est tout ç'que j'ai:
    l'écho terne d'un coeur enlevé,
    la peur au ventre, et dans tes yeux,
    le non d'un fossé amoureux

Nantes-Berlin, automne 2009-décembre 2011.

(untitled) (part 2)

I used to be the one who stayed,
Who took a silent vow and prayed
I used to take your no for yes
And hold your self above the rest
I thought I would receive, in time,
Thought I'd get what I knew was mine

But now you're moving on, and see:
Those memories are killing me
Cause now those times are gone, and see:
The memories, they're killing me.

Berlin, 7.2011.

Blind

Without your eyes I can't see anymore
There is nothing, not even shapes and shadows
I walk through darkness now, unbegleitet
Unbekleidet
Blind.

Berlin, 3.7.2011

Bologna (a breakup song)

This is the wrong story

This is the wrong story, we are

not here to make this happen

We are not made for

Making it stay so long that you can hear the false tones

and the way the shapes are bent out of place

These places have the wrong kind of space

                 Well I'm not here to

                 I'm not here to make this fit into place

                 No I'm not here to

                 I'm not here to pass the torch from your embrace

                 I'm not here to take a bow to your faith

                 I'm not here to make this fit into place

        I've said

        A simple apology would suffice

        Get out of bed

        Take the gun to your head

        Tell yourself it'll be all right

Berlin, 10.5.2011

Landwehrkanal

I can't imagine how dead you are
sends shivers down my spine
I sat across the bridge from where
they fished you out
last week.

Berlin, 26.4.2011

ill-fit

I want to be the one who courts and pursues
        and accessorily
        is courted and pursued.

Berlin, 4.2011.

(untitled)

I used to seek out a best friend,

Another softer side of me

I used to be this different, I,

I tried so hard, I used to be

The one of two who had the guts

And swaggered down the road for us

Your kindness was the glue for both,

A shell I wore around my heart

But now those times are gone, and see

The empathy is killing me

Now those times are gone, and see:

The empathy, it's killing me

Cession

assez de rêver de toi

de toi
de ce que tu veux dire pour moi

assez de voir le ciel
bleu vide
sans que tu ne sois près de moi

non navrée et
désolée de
ne pouvoir répondre à tes besoins

las

laisse le ciel

pourvoir à ses desseins

La Balme de Sillingy/Berlin, novembre 2010.

[ Bonus sonore ]

Comedown

C'est le fait

               post-gravissement

                je franchis

                          le bord.

Lyon, pentes de la Croix-Rousse, 19.10.2010.

untitled

i am a floating vessel on the water, i find

far away from me to be everything; i save
all of my wantonness for you                 and yet
i am no more than the sum of my parts
and a jar of bile to tide me through

Berlin, 25-27.6.2010

feely

touching does not help

it just opens up the wound, i

find myself more porous

a lot more ready to fall down and

it makes me squirm, inside,

a certain sense of rawness

trips the wire that brings out

sentiment, as of now

not required.

Berlin, 25-26.6.10

[Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox ]

Res(e)t

kind of

just

doing

nothing

at all

Berlin, mai 2010

a sailor's crisis

pull me to you, dear

or pull me away

because

the fact is you're

all out

when you break it down we're

one of us

is cried out and

the other

an empty vessel on the shore

i promised this

far away on the water i had promised this

i took you to be

the part of me that never leaves

except the ocean's absence echoes

like something has gone wrong

darling,

way across on this edge i'll

try to make a way to

make a way to come home to you

the sorrow of the fall of creation

make it all up in due time i'll

make it all to something worth it somehow

the morning cross

the fear and the struggles of

fear and the struggles are

cast out

far away from me now

behold,

i took this flower and

ask you to accept it

once more

took this pain

and i asked of you

that you would make all things new.

Berlin, 4.2010

Hold Breath (on lust and church services)

through slaying
all i have now is


i am
wholly consumed with my own self

and i came here,
bringing all my nerve
for i know that
each day                you're here.


put thoughts into words form actions hate
despise the need the want to kill time
i had this – had it all under control and now
i find it all so –


i seek
none other than you
i seek
nothing other than your soul

skin
i am caught by the threads and tangled loose running wild, i
ask for the truth to come and swallow me whole.

Berlin, 3.2010